Sally's Savory Snack

This frog's name is Herbert. He's not your ordinary frog. He doesn't hop from place to place, nor is he slimy nor green. Nor does he eat flies. In fact, Herbert is more of a person than a frog. Except he has a long tongue, and he croaks. This last fact has cause numerous problems when out in public. The first fact is fabulous for cunniligus. The ladies love Herbert.

Herbert is down trodden. His best friend, Quasi the Snake, is leaving to find a sunnier patch of land. The cold foggy hills aren't warm enough for his blood. He's become lethargic, slowly snaking his ways across the ground never arriving on time. Quasi's become the butt of everyone's jokes thanks to his hissing s's and ability to swallow anything whole. It's said Quasi will put anything in his mouth at least once. He won't. It's just a nasty rumor. Quasi needs to leave, and Herbert is besides himself. He loves Quasi.

Sally, a portly porcupine, is throwing a party for Quasi. There are balloons, which she somehow managed to blow up without popping, and a cake made from rats. No one is eating it. No one likes rats including Quasi, but Sally heard snakes ate rates so she made a rat cake in his honor.

Sally is pissed that Quasi isn't eating her cake. She labored and labored and labored over it. She even cut off the tails to spell out, "Happy Birthday, Quasi!" Only this isn't his birthday party. It is his going away party. Whoops!

Sally makes many mistakes like this. Quasi always shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well...at least I have a cake! Thanks Sally!!" He is a laid back kind of snake. Maybe the fog has seeped into his brain.

No one really likes each other at this party except Herbert and Quasi. They all came because Sally asked and you never say no to Sally. Otherwise you'll find a quill sticking out of you somewhere. Sally is dangerous and has a temper. Two qualities you don't want in a porcupine.

Everyone is standing by himself staring blankly at the ceiling. There is Oxford the Giraffe whose bent neck and knobbed kneed is making him incredibly uncomfortable especially since he also wore his oversized wool coat. Kirby the Clown is really out of place. He is the only one wearing make up of any kind, and it is clown make up at that. The only other person with rings that large around her eyes is Temperance the Raccoon who is chain-smoking at the window but blowing the smoke into the middle of the room because she knows how much Sally hates cigarettes. Then, there is Percival the Pigeon who is sitting in the rafters shitting everywhere hoping he lands a bulls-eye on Quasi because they had a falling out over the deliciousness of squab meat: Percival loves it; Quasi thinks Percival practices cannibalism.

That is about everyone: Herbert, Quasi, Sally, Oxford, Kirby, Temperance, and Percival. Oh...and Terry the Ant, but you can miss him because he is so small and he loves hiding. He is hiding right now underneath the cake. Sally used a lot of sugar to disguise the gamey taste of rat, and Terry is slowly enjoying his sugar rush crystal by crystal. Terry is the only one enjoying himself, and that's cause he is doped up.

Sally says, "Alrighty everyone. It is time for a game!!" in her ever increasing in both volume and pitch squeaky voice. It sounds almost as if she is dragging her prickly body against a chalkboard.

Temperance lights another cigarette, "I'm not playing. I fucking hate games. You know that Sally," and blows smoke into Sally's eyes. Suddenly, Temperance has a quill sticking out of her nose. "Alright, alright. All fucking right, Sally. I'll fucking play. You don't have to stick me."

Sally doesn't apologize. "We are playing Spin the Bottle." She runs to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of Heinz 57 and places it in the center of the room.

Herbert leans over to Quasi who is casually spread across the white carpet and trying desperately not to relieve himself on its soft polyester fibers. "Hey Quasi. I'm going to miss you terribly. The only reason I come to Sally's parties is because I know you'll be here. That and I don't want to be pricked. Is there any way I can come with you?"

Quasi isn't paying attention. He really has to pee, and thinks it rude to leave a yellow stain on Sally's clean carpet. He is actually making his way to the bathroom. Only Quasi has become so slow you don't even see him move. It took him almost five days to get to Sally's, and he lives across the street. Luckily, he guessed Sally was going to have a part and started making his way over to her place early. Sally only announced the party two days ago. If Quasi hadn't guessed correctly, he would be somewhere in the middle of the street right now. Needless to say, Quasi is seriously concentrating.

"So...here is how we are going to play the game," says Sally, but no one is paying attention.

"Oh poop," says Percival in his low grumbly voice that cracks with each consonant, and a white liquid mess lands next to Quasi. "Shit! How the hell did I miss?"

Percival has horrible aim. He is always trying to poop on something and he always misses. He is a very vengeful pigeon, which could be a problem if he had better aim.

Sally continues with her instructions. It includes some vague reference to Little Britain, Sally's favorite show.

It is now five minutes later. No one thought Spin the Bottle could be so complicates, but then again no one has played Spin the Bottle with Sally. Sally has a way of complicating everything. The balloons, for example, are filled with glitter, which Sally did by placing each piece of glitter individually into each balloon. Any smart person would use a funnel and pour glitter into the balloons. It is faster and easier to clean. But Sally is a porcupine and not a person. She is also not too bright.

The bottle spins, and Kirby spun it. It stops and points to Oxford. "Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Soooo.....now you have to say, 'I love you more than....' and fill in the blank with something truly disgusting. Whoever you are saying it to can't smile or laugh. I do just love Little Britain. Have any of you seen it? Really you...."

"Shut UP!" Yells Temperance. "Shut. The. Fuck. UP! We all know the directions. You've already explained the stupid ass instructions." She pulls out another cigarette forgetting one is already lit in her right hand, lights it, and inhales. The room fills with smoke, and everyone coughs.

"I love you more than the scabies I got at some three year old's birthday party," says Kirby.

Oxford replies, "Ok," without a smile or even a hint of laughter.

"It is still your turn," says Sally. "Spin it again. Spin it again!"

Kirby spins the bottle and it points to an empty seat. He thinks his turn is over and wipes sweat from his brown while also removing his eyebrows. He now just looks like a hobo you'd never want to meet.

"That space is for Percival," shouts Sally squeakily.

"Fuck," says Kirby. "I was hoping my turn was over. Alright... I love you more than... more than... more than the wax job I got on my prick and balls for the clown porn shoot I did last year!"

Percival poops. It lands on Quasi. "Bingo!" Yells Percival with a hint of laughter.

"I made you laugh! I'm done." And Kirby leaves the center of the group.

Temperance lights another cigarette. Now, she has three cigarettes lit. She hates this game and wants to leave. She is hoping for a heart attach from the nicotine. Then, she can go quiet;y and without a fight. Anything is better than confronting Sally.

"Your turn. Your turn. Your turn, Percival! Get down here and spin this bottle." Sally doesn't care that no one wants to play. She is used to people hating her. She kind of hates herself too. But what can she do? She's the only one she has.

Percival swoops down from the ceiling. He is still laughing at the shit on Quasi's back. He is proud of himself. Finally, something went right.

The bottle spins. It stops at Quasi.

"I love you more than the shit on your back," says Percival.

Everyone laughs except Quasi.

"That was just too good, " says Sally. "You're turn Quasi."

Quasi starts his slow way to the bottle. He still need to pee. He still wants to leave. He is still moving very, very, very, very, very slowly. Slower than a snail.

"Hurry up!" Yells Temperance smoke billowing from her snout.

"For fuck sake. I am faster than you," says Terry high on his crystals as he races back and forth across the table. "Look at me. Look at me. I'm maybe 1/100 of your size and I've made it back and forth on this table ten times!! You haven't even moved an inch you slow ass snake."

"Leave him alone! This is his part..." begins Herbert jumping to Quasi's defense, but he is interrupted by a quill in his eye and Sally bleating, "This is my party for Quasi. This is NOT Quasi's party."

Quasi is still making his way to the bottle. Temperance is still smoking, but now only has two cigarettes. Kirby catches his reflection in a mirror Sally keeps above the fireplace and sees that his eyebrows are gone. He sobs like only a clown without eyebrows can sob: expressionlessly.

Sally dashes to the bottle and spins it. It stops at Herbert. He is excited. He wants to know how much Quasi loves him.

Quasi is too occupied by needing to pee. He is thinking only about waterfalls, streams, dripping faucets, flushing toilets, and washing machines. He doesn't love any of those things. He is lost at what to say. He pauses.

"Do I need to remind you that it is your turn, Quasi," Sally interrupts.

"Ah...." says Quasi.

Herbert is hopping up and down.

"I love you more than..." Waterfalls? Streams? Dripping faucets? Flushing toilets? Washing machines? He just can't decide. He just wants to pee.

"I love you more than..." and he releases himself right there on Sally's perfectly white polyester carpet. A large yellow stain grows.

"What the fuck, Quasi?" Sally is furious.

Oxford, Temperance, Percival, Kirby, and Terry are laughing. Herbert is looking lovingly at Quasi. Quasi has an idea.

"I love you more than...a full stomach!" He hisses as his tongue extends, his jaw unhinges, and he swallows Herbert whole.

Everyone goes silent and looks at Quasi. He only says, "He wanted to go with me."

Everyone laughs including Quasi.

"You lose, Herbert!" Concludes Sally.

Then, the party ends. And Quasi starts to leave slowly.

Unfortunately, being full made Quasi even slower. At the end of a week, he has yet top make it out Sally's front door. Being the porcupine that Sally is, she decides that Quasi will make and lovely snack at her next party which is happening this evening.

"Bon appetit!"She says.

And Oxford, Kirby, Terry, Percival, and Temperance enjoy Sally's Savory Snack.

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