God's Consequence

Once upon a time God had no home. There was no place she could go to rest her feet. There was no warm fire in the fireplace. There was no fluffy bed covered in heavy wool blankets. There was no kitchen in which to make a meal. God had been evicted, and now she roamed uncomfortably throughout the universe, but mostly across the Earth. She liked it here even though it was humans that evicted her.

God long ago had lived in luxury. Although she never really loved luxury because it always came at a cost. When she was at her richest -- placed on an altar or on a shrine or in a temple -- she was mistaken for a man. God didn't really want to correct her worshipers (she was just happy to have worshipers at all), so she kept her mouth shut and being God grew a bushy big white beard to reinforce her masculine wisdom. People seemed to like her this way. At least they did for a little while.

Then, like most children, people's fancies changed, and soon God was kicked out of all the homes she had across all the Earth. That was 26 years, 7 weeks, 14 days, five hours, three minutes and 19 seconds ago. But she wasn't counting. She could tell just by looking at the sky. She was God, remember, and as God she created the sky to be her watch. Now, she regretted that decision. Imagine never being able to escape your alarm clock!

God was growing lonely and bored, which is not quite so good of a thing for anyone let alone God. In fact, it was her boredom that caused the dinosaurs to disappear. She didn't like how simple the dinosaurs were despite their giant stature. So, she created a giant ball and threw it at the Earth hoping to start all over again. The ball did explode when it hit the earth, and it did kill the dinosaurs, but, alas, if didn't kill everything and so she had a big mess to clean up afterwords, which she didn't clean up very well. In fact, her lack of cleanliness is why oil and coal pollute. But that's another story for another day.

This particular day was cold, extremely cold, the kind of cold where nothing you do gets you warm. Every place in the world has these kinds of days even the hottest of places. It is more a quality of the air than an actual temperature. Somehow, the air cuts through all the skin and veins and muscles and bites bones. It was biting God's bones, and she was becoming increasingly angry.

"How dare the wind that I created bite my bones. I wish it would stop," she whispered under her breath from the inside of a cave in which she happened to be squatting. She had no idea why she whispered other than she had become fearful of her words because they always came to be. She thought if she whispered instead of spoke if they did come to be than at least it would only be a whisper. But even her whispers had unintended consequences. She was God and therefore was Truth.

The wind heard God's whispers, and suddenly it was a warm breeze, the kind of which you can only find in places with humidity like the jungle or while laying on a beach on the Mediterranean in the middle of summer. Only, God was in that cave which was on top of a snow-capped mountain outside Turpan, China, and it was January.

"Ah....that is so much better. Now, I shall not be cold," God said thankful that she was no longer cold and completely unaware of what that meant for the humans on the Earth. "I don't think I've slept since I was kicked out of the Basilica of St. Peter 26 years, 7 weeks, 14 days, five hours, five minutes and 33 seconds ago. I think it is time for a nap!" (You see, the Basilica of St. Peter was the absolute last place God was kicked out and that was the result of the Pope finally losing his faith after the church's bank accounts ran dry.)

Like I said, God was Truth, which made her words facts, so upon uttering the word "nap" God grew incredibly sleepy and fell into a black dreamless sleep that lasted 10 years, 41 weeks, two days, seven hours, 22 minutes and 58 seconds.

God awoke refreshed and rested and sweating profusely. It was no longer warm. It was blistering hot. It was so hot in fact that had she not been God the heat from the stone would have blistered her body.

It was also awfully sunny. It was the kind of sunny that makes your eyes squint and gives you a headache, and as God slowly made her way out of the sweltering cave, she loudly cursed the sun for its existence and for giving her a throbbing headache. Immediately, the sun vanished and all became pitch black.

Outside in the darkness, God fumbled. Her long sleep made her joints, muscles and limbs sore and clumsy. It was exactly like the pins and needles of a foot falling asleep only it ran through her entire body. And God's eyes still had not quite adjusted from the black of sleep to the blazing sun to the pitch black of a sunless sky. Everything was fuzzy, so it should come as no surprise that even God herself fell.

God fell from the cave, which was at the tippy top of the mountain and which had previously been covered in a glacier,  all the way down to the formerly lush valley that once was home to a farmer and her husband. The farmer and her husband were no longer living. They had perished shortly after God fell asleep. You see, the warm breeze never let up because God never commanded it to let up. Instead, it blew and blew and blew and in its constant blowing melted the glacier on the top of the mountain which in turn created a great flood in the valley. The farmer and her husband drowned in the flood, but right before the flood overtook their farm they built a very small boat out of reeds that grew in a nearby river and put their only child, Bao, in it. Thus, Bao was saved from the flood.

Now, I need to take a minute a tell you about Bao. Bao was less than a year old when she was placed in the small reed boat, and her parents were incredibly superstitious. They had still believed in God even though everyone else did not. In fact, unknown to God herself, their faith was the only reason God found that cave on the mountain in the first place. When Bao's parents placed her in the reed boat, they said a prayer to God and asked God, which they called Him, to watch over their innocent daughter.

Whether it was a miracle or luck or there was some other force at work doesn't matter nor will we ever know. What matters is that Bao survived, and she was now the last person on the Earth. She also, up until three minutes ago, believed in God for while she never knew her parents their prayer lived in her.

But like all prayers, the further we get from them the less real they become, so on Bao's tenth birthday, which was exactly three minutes ago, her faith faltered, and she stopped believing in God. Thus, God woke from her nap.

...which brings me to the present.

God fell from the cave all the way to to the valley below. She landed like a God: right-side up. Her landing loudly echoed through the valley that was now a very hard, dry, hot desert.

Bao heard the echo from her home beyond the valley. The never ending warm breeze had pushed Bao from the land of her birth years ago. She was now living deep in the Earth in one of the only spots that was cool enough for humans. She survived by eating bugs and mosses that grew in dark corners. Having never tasted xiao long bao (her namesake), she did not know how wonderful food could taste. Instead, food was simply something to stop your belly from grumbling.

With the sun now gone, the Earth cooled slightly making it possible for Bao to leave her underground home for the first time in at least four years. Only she didn't know this, at least not yet. Instead, she heard the loud thud echoing and became fearful. It had been too long since she had heard anything of that magnitude. With the constantly warm breeze, the world had grown almost completely silent except for the scurrying of bugs, which now overtook the entire world. Bao didn't even know that the sun had disappeared because she was that far underground.

Well, the thud continued to echo, and it started to make the stone tremble. It was almost like a beautiful song. Only, Bao did not know music and so she did not know what a song was. But, still it was beautiful, and its beauty compelled Bao to leave her home.

In the desert valley, God just sat there trying to get her bearings and hoping that the pins and needles shooting through her limbs would go away. Something seemed different about the valley, but she could not yet place it. The Earth itself seemed harder than she remembered, and she could no smell the berries for which the valley was famous. Suddenly, she grew insatiably thirsty, and all she wanted  was a refreshing drink from the clear river she remembered flowed just beyond the valley. Her eyes still had not adjusted from the back and forth from darkness to light back to darkness, so she had to guess which direction the river might be, which she deemed was to her right. Thirsty and somewhat blind, she set out for the river.

Bao emerged from her home underneath the Earth and for the first time really saw the world. Her eyes long ago had adjusted to the pitch black and as a result she was able to see the Earth. She never knew the world of her parents, and so she never knew that it once was covered in green and all the colors of the rainbow. Now, the Earth was all a pale, pale yellowish-brown. The sun and the warmth faded everything everywhere, but now with the sun gone everything was different shades of blue. It was the most beautiful thing Bao had ever seen, and she cried.

As I said earlier, the whole world was almost completely silent except for the scurrying of insects and the echoing thud, so Bao's cries also echoed and were carried on the warm breeze. Together -- the cries, the scurrying and the thud -- made music. This music was heard by God and she paused momentarily. As the music filled her body, her eyes cleared and she saw for the first time how changed the Earth was, and she was horrified.

"I've done this," God shrieked and it immediately stopped the music.

Bao heard the voice off in the distance and hope swelled inside her. "I am not the only one on this land!" is what she thought, but not knowing language it sounded like "Ahhhhh...gghhh..rrr...faaaa..."

Bao's primitive language rose from her belly out her mouth and into the stratosphere. The warm breeze picked it up and carried it to God, and God immediately had this thought, "I am not the only one on this land!" And then, "Where is that voice?"

God being God did her magic and suddenly appeared before Bao as if in response to God's own question.

"Hello," God said to Bao, but Bao did not understand God. Bao had never spoken to anyone and did not know the conventions of conversation. She did not know that it was proper to kneel before God nor did she know that you should at least bow your head in deference. Bao did not know that touching God was unacceptable, so when she reached out to touch God's face happy that another being was roaming this Earth, she was dumbstruck when her hand was slapped away by God.

"How dare you!" God yelled. "You should never touch God!" And as with all God's words they are made manifest, so Bao's hands were quickly no more.

"What just happened," thought Bao, which escaped her lips as "Llllaaa...ttttrrrr..kkkii."

And God thought, "What just happened?" and then said, "I'm sorry." Although God did not give Bao her hands back.

Bao became fearful of God. She knew the being that stood in front of her -- the one who still had a bushy, big white beard and whose eyes looked like galaxies -- was not like her, and somewhere deep in her memory, the kind of memory that is locked in a tiny space behind the heart and to the right of our left armpit, she remembered the prayer of her parents. At once, she found words.

These words started erasing her fear until finally all fear had vanished and was instead replaced with a boldness she had never known.

"Your apology is not needed," said Bao without pause, "for you are God, and you do as you see fit. I am but a lowly human, and in a previous life I would have worshiped at your feet. But, alas, that life is not mine, and I see no need for prayers or worship."

God was struck by these words and the memory of home filled her with longing and remorse. She wanted her worshipers back. She wanted more than anything to just go home and be served. But all those homes were now gone and it was in large part her fault. She fell to her knees and started shedding great tears of despair.

"There is noting more pitiful than seeing God cry," Boa said. "While I have longed for a companion all these years, I have no need for one who cries for the consequences of their decisions."

And Bao feeling absolutely nothing for God turned her back on God and set off for her home under the Earth.

God just stared at Bao as she left. God wanted to stop her, to make Bao turn around and worship her, and she knew all she needed to do was utter those words, but only silence and nostalgia filled God. She was unable to speak.

As Bao was walking away, she said, " I do wish to thank you God for one thing. Thank you for giving me beauty. I had never heard a song, and I had never known there were so many shades of blue. I will never forget this and while I may never have need for you again, whenever I come across something of beauty I shall remember you."

And within moments, Bao vanished from God's sight, and God was once again alone and without a home.

And so God spent the rest of her days unmoved and silent waiting for a prayer to bring her back to life. Only, it never came for Bao was the last human and she passed away at the age of 47 underneath the Earth.

And as for Bao? She lived her remaining 37 years with a smile upon her face for while she never saw anything as beautiful as the millions of blues or heard anything as beautiful as that song, she was thankful that she was not God.

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